Now that I'm back and settled in at school, guess I should start writing again, huh? I didn't write much this summer cause...well, mainly there was nothing to write about. I was happy (most of the time) safe and sound at home.
But I'm back to the glorious world that is college, and the adventure has already begun!
Two days in and I'm utterly exhausted. I knew this semester was going to be the hardest yet, but I didn't realize to what end. I am drained. Mentally, physically, and in some ways emotionally already! New dorm, new (wonderful) roommate, new faces, professors, and the like. This much change makes for one nervous wreck of a kid. But change is inevitable, as I have attempted to drill through my skull on numerous occasions. =)
This week has stressed me to the MAX. From buying books to education retreat this weekend, to worrying about fees and bills and finding an on-campus job and carpooling everywhere, I am already drowning. This feeling sucks. And I can never seem to get rid of it.
I know my God is bigger than this. I know He has the plans laid out for me. I get that. It's just hard. Especially when control-freaks like myself see their world as if it's in someone else's hands. I just don't like it. Not one bit.
Last night I was saying my prayers and getting ridiculously frustrated and upset about things and worrying about things I shouldn't be.
So I just stopped, and started saying to myself the GOOD that has come so far from this week. Things like seeing and hugging friends. Do you know how good it feels to see your friends after being separated for what feels like forever? (but in reality was about 3 months). At least I felt better after seeing my friends trickling around campus, showing up in various classes of mine. I've missed the laughter and coffee dates and adventures with people near and dear to my heart.
Also am loving meeting new friends and being in classes I love with people I already know. I'm enjoying NOT being a freshmen, and actually knowing what I'm doing this time around (for the most part).
Getting new professors that made me laugh and scared the daylights out of me (hello, Madame Kidder!).
Worshipping and being in community again with the people I love most. I've missed it all.
Yeah, I think these are what I should be focusing my energy on. Not the crap that I can't control. It's in God's hands and I KNOW it will be forever in them.
Tonight in Elam, we had a dorm-wide devo led by my lovely 1st floor RAs. They broke down the Lord's prayer verse by verse and worked through it with us. The verse that always tugs at me is "Your will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven".
Yep, that says YOUR will. Not mine. That's a tough pill to swallow. But I know it's worth it. It's just hard for someone that likes having her world done her way to understand.
After the girls finished, they played Your Love is Strong by Jon Foreman, one of my absolute favorite songs (that I am of course playing on repeat at this point). The words echo so much of what is on my heart right now. So much of what I need to hear is spoken through these lyrics. I practically wanted to scream them at the top of my lungs at the devo!
It's definitely a wake-up call, that's for sure. One I desperately needed after the stress of the past two days has completely overwhelmed me.
I know the days aren't necessarily going to get easier. They'll probably get harder before they get better. But it's not about what happens, good or bad. It's about how I react to it. The problem itself isn't what I need to focus on. It's the solution. Instead of stressing and getting myself worked up about these things, it's time for me to just STOP. Stop, and think. Stop and pray. Stop and do WHATEVER it takes for me to relinquish this control I think I have. I'm sick of feeling like this whenever something doesn't go as I have planned. I have to remember that it isn't up to me anymore what this life has in store. It's all for and by God, and I know it's going to eventually be worth it.