a faith worth betting on (what sophomore year taught me)

It is finished! I am done with my sophomore year of college. Wow. Time sure does fly when you're having fun (or studying your tail off... either one).

I'm utterly exhausted- whomever the jerk was that decided my physics final needed to be on the last day (and at 8am!) needs a bowling ball to the head. Then moving out of the dorm was a circus in itself.

But I digress. I'm alive! And I don't have to think about homework or wearing shower shoes or side door alarms going off for 3 months. It was all worth it. :)


I really don't want to get all sentimental (cried once saying my few goodbyes. Thanks Ellie! ;) ), but it really was a great year. Last semester wasn't my favorite. This semester was probably my favorite since I started at Lipscomb, honestly. Overall, I really loved this year and all it taught me (good and bad).

I think the overlying theme of this year was faith. Having faith, believing in my faith... and trusting God in all circumstances, because He is faithful. He's the one that makes things beautiful.

It really is worth it to hand everything-and really, everything-over and let God work better than I can ever imagine. He showed me that in so many ways- and fulfilled everything ten fold.

Now faith is the turning of dreams into deeds;it is betting your life on the unseen realities. Hebrews 11:1

^The above scripture is from the Cotton Patch Bible, a version written in southern vernacular by Clarence Jordan that we read in Religion and American Culture. I just LOVE how this is worded. Faith is two things I've never thought of: it's turning dreams into deeds, and betting your life on the unseen.

Such a different way to read that scripture, I think.


The first part- turning dreams into deeds- shows me that faith means action. It's not just me hoping for something- it's me making it happen, with the trust that God is going to fulfill his end. Which he always does, in one way or another.

Like when I was supposed to originally room in Johnson this year, but some mix up happened so I had to find a new room. When they said I could move to Johnson or Elam, something in my heart just said go to Elam. I had no real reason to, but something just tugged at me to do it. I was a little worried about being in a completely different dorm than Fanning, but something just said do it.  So I did.

It genuinely ended up being one of the best decisions I've made in college.

I just felt at home there instantly- it really did become my home away from home. It's hard not to make friends in Elam with just about everyone you come across. I'm not a social person in the slightest, yet I felt like you just know people in Elam because you see people so often. It just happens like that. And I love it. I'm thankful for the new friends I made, and some of the friendships I'd already made grow stronger thanks to the close proximity of Elam to everyone. Whether it's hanging out in the lobby playing bananagrams, talking with the RAs (especially the two beautiful ones I had on the 1st floor!), random impromptu movie nights, or just random chats in the hallways... I love the community in Elam. It's truly special.

Having faith that I can make a bold move (something as simple as changing dorms, for me-baby steps, people ;) ) and God will be there- whether it's to catch me as I fall, or lift me up to see His goodness- is something that I've never been really good at. I think He proved to me this year that it's okay to make a big bold move in faith, because whatever happens, He'll be there. It may be hard, or difficult- but I think He's teaching me that having a bold, active faith is worth that risk.

While some bold moves of faith may take you to another dorm... some may take you to another country. 

That happened, too.

That was another dream I saw turn to action I'd never imagined.

I'd been on mission trips before, but I've never been on a trip quite like Cozumel.

Where I saw prayers answered before my eyes.
Where God taught me that love speaks all languages and crosses all language barriers.
Where God whispered, "trust me". And I got what He meant when He said it.

I'd never felt so vulnerable-being in a place where I didn't know the people, and especially didn't know the language. I felt so out of the loop at times. But every time, God just led me back in. He taught me to lean on faith- to remember that He can use me... in all circumstances. And that I will see Him... in circumstances I never imagined.
He gave me a new look at faith- and love- through the eyes of the cutest brown eyed babies over the course of one week. It took all the faith I had in me to trust that I could fundraise the money to go...that I could be used by Him... that I could connect with my team and the people there... that despite not knowing the language, the culture, anything, that this is where I was meant to be...  and He returned me one-hundred fold. I cannot wait to go back. I miss Ciudad so very much!

Having faith- using faith in action- seriously was my theme for this year. And those are just some examples.

The 2nd part of that verse is my favorite, I think. Betting your life on the unseen. It puts a whole new perspective on putting my life in His hands, I think. It's a hard thing for me to trust God with everything-but as the above stories illustrate, good things happen when I do just that. But betting my life on the unseen? I don't bet things often, but when I do, I'd like to hope it's a sure bet- is my faith there?

Is my faith worth betting on? Is it that strong- that I know whose I am and that He has me in the palm of His hand? Can I bet my life on Him knowing full well that He will do beautiful things when I do?

Is my faith- my sure hope in the unseen- worth betting on? I don't know. But I think the 1st part of the scripture (turning dreams into deeds) kinda leads into the second part. I'm betting my life on the unseen by faith- by turning my wants and hopes and dreams into some bold action.  By being bold and having faith in God, I'm indeed betting my life on Him- I could never do some of the things I do without faith that God's gonna catch me. So I think I am betting my life- everyday- in the hope that God will take my life and do something with it beyond my wildest hopes. Sometimes that's scary, but I think faith is what makes it a little less scary-with Him, I can do bold, beautiful things. I'm starting to trust that more and more.

I think learning to be more open- on my blog AND in my life in general- has helped me rely on my faith to be that open and vulnerable. I'm betting my life (in my mind I think) every time I open up more and more on this page. I think any blogger knows that it takes guts to be willing to spill your life (or parts of it, at least), for the world to possibly see. I've never been an open-book type of gal. So when I felt the need to start blogging, when I felt it on my heart to write, I just held my breath and hung on. I think for me it's been worth it. It's been helping me to become more open to people face-to-face, and that in itself is a great thing for this little introvert that's afraid of being honest with people. I have to have faith-to lean on God- to be willing to let Him and everyone else see what I write and hope that it is received in some way (whether by me, or others. usually it helps me the most!). It's definitely a step in faith for me to do this kind of thing, but it's also one of the best things I've done for myself. 

Oceans by Hillsong United. This is the song that's been playing in my head when writing this blog. It just clicks with my thoughts about this year. 

Reading back to my first post of sophomore year, I talked about a devo Melissa and Ellie did for the dorm on the Lord's prayer, ending with them playing one of my favorite songs, "Your Love is Strong" by Jon Foreman. Looking back and seeing how much has happened, what I've done and what God's done is a crazy thing. I'm reminded that His will is what's to be done, and I think I've been pretty good at doing that this year. I don't know if some of the things that happened this year would have if I hadn't put my faith in Him, my life in His hands. But I did that in just about everything, and look how it turned out. 

He does a heck of a lot better job than I do with my life. And that makes me want to bet my life on His more and more.

Thank you for a great sophomore year, Lipscomb. :)

Show me your beauty. (I can ask that!?)

Hi friends. Happy finals week from your stressed out college kids!

This is probably gonna be the last time you hear from me on here (unless something life-changing happens) til I'm back at home sweet home snuggling with my pups and watching Big Bang Theory with my Mama. So close, but so far away. =)
One final down, four to go! One every day next week, ending with Physics at 8am. Oh  Lord help me. 

This is going to be a ramble of my thoughts, just a warning. Don't really know where I'm going with it, but I'll try to go somewhere. 

I've finally gotten around to getting more into Captivating. After my last post, I just felt the need to make the time to dig deeper into this. But it's hard. Really.  Not as much making the time, but more just being willing to think about this part of my life I try to block out (if only I could block out mirrors from my life). Everytime I feel the need to talk about it, journal it, etc... I just put it in the back of my mind.

Which is why I love this book. Half the time I think they're writing right to me (and some of the stories/testimonies echo my life so closely it scares me). It really hits home. 

This chapter I'm reading right now is about healing the wound... ways to heal and let God fix whatever has made me feel this way about myself. Trying to heal the wounds left in my heart by others and by myself.

They had some practical ideas that I really should do. Some I'd never thought about, things that make sense but don't at the same time. 

Like asking Jesus about it.  

It's just one of those things that I'm like, "what does that even mean?" Seems so easy to ask, but it just doesn't feel that simple.

I know the scripture ask and it will be given and so on... but ask a question about this? Really? Is that something worth asking? Is this something that God even cares about hearing?

Well, to someone struggling with feeling beautiful- with feeling worthy- I think yes, it's something I need to ask about. Just as I struggle with stress and busyness, I ask God for strength; when I battle with sad thoughts/ am upset, I ask for peace; when I don't understand, I ask for wisdom.

So when I struggle with my beauty/self-esteem- I guess I can ask. But ask for what? That is the question. 

Now that I think about it though... it kinda scares me to ask such a thing. I mean, how on earth am I gonna get an answer to that? It's not something tangible, it's not something He can answer really with a solution that I can actually see. What on earth is the answer going to be when I ask the Lord about my beauty? I really don't know. But I don't know a lot of things before I ask them... so I guess it's worth a shot, right? 

This part of the chapter made me think a little:

"This is what I want you to do. I want you to ask Jesus to show you your beauty."

"I can do that?" she said. "I mean, that's okay? He would do that for me?"

Show you your beauty.  Not gonna lie, I kinda think that's an odd sentence... let alone request. Show you your beauty. 

Reveal what this beauty thing is to me- so that maybe, just maybe, I'll start to "get it." I'll start to see my beauty the way God sees my beauty. I can do that? How do I do that? Seems like a different and difficult thing to ask, honestly. For someone who's struggled with feeling beautiful, to ask to be shown her beauty-I'm kinda curious as to what the answer would be. 

 He would do that for me?  He can do such a thing... he can show me the beauty I have that I cannot seem to see. How? Why would he? For me? For someone who still doesn't quite understand how a girl like her can be deemed worthy of "beautiful". With everything else going on... he would do that?

I think that's a tall order. Not for God, really... but for me. For me to be open and honest about how I feel about myself, to give those feelings up to God. For me to open my heart and let Him in a little (lot) more on this subject. It's hard to talk about, to write about... let alone pray about.

He can show me my beauty.  I still really don't know what all that means... or what that entails. Or how I can really ask such a question. Or why it matters. 

I guess that's why I just need to stop trying to fix it for myself, and just ask. 

you're more beautiful than you think. {a beautiful 2013 post}

So. I've been working on this resolution thing, right? This whole working on what the word beautiful is to me, and why I struggle with it so much.

Some days I don't really know what to right about on here about this, because it's just so dang personal.

Then there are days where God just puts something in your lap and says, "is this what you're looking for?!"

So, this Dove video has been circulating around. I'm usually not one to take to the norm and watch things that are constantly viewed/shared on facebook, but this one was worth my time. It's worth yours, too, so stop what you're doing and watch it (even if you already have, it's worth seeing again).

If I had to do what they did, I'd do the same thing- I'd point out every single line, roll, and freckle before I'd highlight anything good about myself. It's just how I think about myself, it's how I've always thought of myself-in a negative light.

I've mentioned before how other people have hurt me enough to make me hate my body. I've mentioned how I've never had a good self-esteem, how I've never seen myself as beautiful. God's been changing that, for sure, as of late. But it's still a struggle, no doubt. As I mentioned in my last post those voices still plague me.

You're not good enough.
You're not worthy.
You'll be beautiful if {fill in the blank}.
If only you were thin like {insert person here}.

You get the picture.

We are our own worst critics. As seen in the video, we see ourselves in the worst light. Only 4% of women around the WORLD believe they're beautiful.

4%.


I've never felt beautiful when I'm looking in the mirror or when I see myself in pictures. It's a struggle to feel like I'm worthy of that 'title', beautiful.  I know I am and we all are because of who we are and how we were made. But it's still a struggle to see it in my life.

We can't let ourselves think like that anymore, ladies. And I'm saying this for me as much as I am for anyone else!

Look at the video and how drastically different the sketches of women are- when they describe themselves, and when others describe them. Isn't it just wild how others see what we can't? People see beauty much easier when it's not them they're talking about. How and why did we get this way?! How can someone point out every single flaw in them, yet someone else who doesn't know them be able to describe them in such a different way?

We've been having a woman's chapel these past two Mondays called Unspoken. It's been really great. The topic is about shame,  something we don't necessarily discuss often. Last night Caroline said the most common thing we said we were shameful about was body image. That we aren't good enough, we aren't beautiful enough, we aren't worthy. It's all those voices in our lives whispering we deserve to feel this way about ourselves.

Shame is what makes me hate myself some days. Not all days (anymore), but some. Shame is what makes us see ourselves radically different than what others and what God sees us as.  Shame is the memories and the voices in my life teaching me this lie about not being beautiful, and that all that matters is how I look in the mirror.

 There is so much more than that mirror. There is so much more than shame. There is so much more than those voices inside your head saying you're not beautiful.

You're more beautiful than you think.

known, wanted, accepted, loved.

hey y'all. New layout. Not sure if I'm sold on it yet, but I wanted something more spring/summer-y.

So this has been a busy week (but what's new?!)

Sophomore year is wrapping up. SO weird.

The fact that I'm almost halfway done with college is just insane. Wow. Exhilarating and absolutely horrifying.

This week was honestly an emotional roller coaster... between registration (oi), to my procrastination forcing me to stay up til 1 twice this week, I've been a bit of an exhausted wreck. It's over now, with only ONE full week left of school before finals start. Holy. Where did this year go!??!?

We also had our 1st Cozumel reunion this week, which was a bit of an emotional experience in itself.

Lots of laughter. Lots of time reflecting and thinking about our trip, what it taught us, what we miss the most,  and what's next for us here.  No tears, surprisingly (though Abby did cry from laughing at Nathan's account of the Spanish church reunion). 

It was great to be back with the team. Though we see each other in passing, it was nice to have intentional time together as a group. It was good to hear others' reflections and favorite parts of the trip. 

Robert, one of our adult leaders, made a point that stuck with me.  He said something along the lines of one of the reasons we all loved this trip was how we feel known, wanted, accepted, and loved while we're there (hence the title of this post).

Known, wanted, accepted, loved. 

Aren't they things we all want? At least they are for me. 

To be known- for others to know our names, know who we are.

To be wanted- for people to actually invest in us, for people to be interested in us, for people to actually acknowledge us, to feel important and worthy

To be accepted- to be welcomed with open arms, to be supported and embraced

To be loved:  to feel cherished and cared for, to feel love and doted on.

Those things to me are things as someone that's dealt with her insecurity for many years that I worry about getting. From friends, family, colleagues, etc. It has to do with that whole self-esteem/ self-doubt struggle I've dealt with for many years.

Am I good enough? Am I worthy? What do people think of me? Do people actually like me? Do they want to have me around? Those are the evil and unjust thoughts that plague me a lot of the time.

The Great Preacher of peace and love came for you, and His voice found those of you who were near and those who were far away.  By Him both have access to the Father in one Spirit. And so you are no longer called outcasts and wanderers but citizens with God’s people, members of God’s holy family, and residents of His household. Ephesians 2:16-19

Sometimes it's hard realizing that God came for me. He found me and loved me perfectly, something I can't even do for myself. 

 We don't have to feel those things above anymore. We are accepted into a family that doesn't compare to the life we have here.  So why even think that I'm not?

But yet I still struggle with those feelings of insecurity. It's a battle of me versus myself; me yearning to be who God called me to be, but still struggling with the "am I good enough" thoughts that plague so many of us.  

 Seeing myself as all of those things-known, wanted, accepted, and loved- is hard. Trying to believe that I am worthy of that, both on earth and to my Father is a daily battle for me.

Yet in the eyes of a child, it all makes sense. 

When Conny ran up to me and put her arms around my neck, she didn't know my name. She didn't know my story (still doesn't). She just knew I was there, so she just loved me. No if ands or buts about it. There wasn't something I had to do to earn her love, she just gave freely. She made me feel wanted from the minute she stepped into my life. She made me feel like I was useful (something that I definitely did not feel, with the language barrier), like I was someone worth something. Looking at pictures of us reminds me of that feeling, that I was there and she loved me-and didn't hold back. 

 

When Marce first came up to me, she didn't know anything about me. Heck, she couldn't even hear me and didn't understand anything I said. Yet she knew I wanted to meet her, and wanted to play. So we did. And it made me feel more loved and noticed than any other kid has made me feel. Every day she found me. She didn't know my name, but she knew who I was the one who came up to her on the first night to play. She knew who I was- and knew I wanted to spend time with her. 

How thankful I am for Jesus showing up in these two little girls, to remind me how accepted, wanted, and loved I am. He used these girls to teach me that those feelings I hear in the back of my head are wrong. I am worth something to two little girls in Mexico and I'm worth those same feelings in my life everyday, despite the lies I fight with everyday. 

For my news year Resolution, I've been working on my self-esteem and my one word: beautiful. Loving myself has been one of my hardest tasks in life, seeing myself as worthy or beautiful.

 Seeing myself as any of the things the kids at Ciudad saw me as from day one.

 It's crazy thinking that after knowing me for a total of one day, how those kids just loved us. 

Loved me.

 I don't understand it, but am thankful for it-for the reminder that I am known, and wanted, and accepted, and loved. Even when I don't see it myself, and don't understand it. It's just a given. 

So, Robert was right: those kids make me feel known, wanted, accepted, and loved. They also remind me how much God feels the same way about us- He knows us better than we know ourselves, He wants us and yearns for us, He accepts us as we are, and loves us enough to send His son to the cross for us. Crazy.

In the wake of Brennan Manning's passing, I saw this quote of his posted on facebook:

"God loves you as you are, not as you should be."

 I think the same goes for kids, especially (for me) the kids at Ciudad: they love us for who we are, just for being there. For being willing. For being present, for loving on them. Not because of what we've done, what we've said, or who we have been. But because of who we are, and whose we are, we are known, wanted, accepted, and loved. By God and by those little children who love and know God better than this 20 year old college kid. (And we wonder why God says to have a child-like faith?! It makes so much sense).

May you remember than you are known, wanted, accepted, and loved, by a Father who created and loved you from the minute you were thought of. And if you don't, may God put someone-or maybe some sweet kids-in your path that remind you just how much those things are true. :)

Thank you for the Cross, Lord

It's been one of those "I'm having a lot of feelings so I need to write things" kind of week. Bear with me.


Happy Good Friday! I celebrated by going to class. I love Lipscomb (most days). ;)


The aforementioned song in the title has been stuck in my head all day. (yes I know that's not the actual title, but that is the part of said song that's been stuck in my head all day).


With good reason, of course.


"Thank you for the cross Lord
Thank you for the price You paid
Bearing all my sin and shame
In love You came
And gave amazing grace

Thank you for this love Lord
Thank you for your nail pierced hands
Washed me in Your cleansing flow
Now all I know
Your forgiveness and embrace"


Worthy is the Lamb, indeed.

"He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed." 1 Peter 2:24

Two thoughts have been running through my head on this Good Friday:

1. Gratitude

2. Brokenness

Gratitude and thankfulness have been on the brain the past few days. Between transitioning and telling everyone about my adventures at Ciudad, to writing thank you notes to my donors for said adventures at Ciudad... I can't help but feel thankful. On today of all days, too.

The day that someone perfect took the death I deserved. The day that God in flesh made the ultimate sacrifice... for me. If that's not something to be thankful for, people... I dunno what is. It's crazy thinking that someone thought I was worth that. I screw up too much to deserve someone saving me in such a way... yet He did it.

On the note of me not being worthy... brokenness comes to mind. I saw this quote from my ever-loving devo'zine and it's been stuck in my head ever since. 

“I'm fairly convinced that the Kingdom of God is for the broken-hearted. You write of 'powerlessness.' Join the club, we are not in control. God is.” –Fred Rogers

I really really like this quote. The Kingdom of God is for the broken-hearted.

I'm a lot more broken than I realize sometimes. A lot more broken-hearted than I realize, especially. Ciudad last week reminded me how broken we really can be. Hearing some of the kids' stories (and even some of the stories of my teammates) remind me why we- why I-need Jesus. I have my problems, my issues and struggles that I still carry. But Jesus made it to where I don't have to carry anything anymore.

He took my baggage. He took my brokenness. And He nailed it to a cross for me. His hands were pierced, His blood was shed. Because of His love for me. 

Such an incredible, beautiful thought.

I'm powerless, utterly lost at what to do in my life without the sacrifice Jesus made for me. My life doesn't have a sense of meaning without this day. 

In the words of All Sons & Daughters: You are a Savior, and You took brokenness aside and made it beautiful.

Thank you, thank you, thank you Lord. There are no words to describe how worthy You really are. 

He's right in front of me.

Well, it's been awhile, y'all. Figured before I get back on the homework bandwagon and while I'm doped up on cough syrup (thanks bronchitis), I'd share about what's been happening.

Here's a snapshot of the past two months:
School.
School.
More school.
And did I mention school? 

This semester has been tougher than most, that's for sure. I can be happy in the fact that it's my last all gen-ed semester (Praise the Lord), and that I will never have to step foot in a math class ever again. All in all, it's been a busy semester.

Part of my semester has been preparing for our mission trip to Cozumel.  Even typing those words at this point puts a lump in my throat. It's taken me from the time we landed in Nashville Saturday night to now to be able to formulate the words to describe this experience.

view from our rental house-The Mirage

Stepping on the grounds literally took my breath away

We spent from early November to the days prior to spring break to prepare for our week together in Cozumel loving on the 40+ kids at Ciudad de Angeles (a true city of angels, that's for sure!). 

I've never been on a mission team before that put so much time and energy into the team and the trip beforehand. I believe it made a major difference in our week. It meant the world to get to serve with people I already had the pleasure of calling my friends.

All the lovely ladies on the trip!

Stepping onto Ciudad's campus for the 1st time was such a surreal moment. After hearing about this place for months, it was the craziest thing to actually see it in full form.
It was a little nerve wracking walking into a place where I didn't know anyone, let alone didn't speak the language. The kids however made it easy for us; they jumped right in, so we did too.

I'll tell you about two specific little girls that God taught through this week. They really showed me that God works right in front of me, always.

I walked around for a little while and talked to some older and younger kids before venturing to the basketball court, where I saw a cute little girl sitting by her house mama. I went up and said hi and asked her name, when her Mom (Ophelia) told me she was deaf. I stepped away, close by, and just began watching the kids. A few seconds later, Ophelia tapped me on the shoulder- apparently the little girl wanted me meet me! She introduced me to my angel Marce, and the rest is Ciudad history.

Smoresfest with Marce!

This little lady stole my heart from the minute she stepped into it. We sat and played games (hand clapping games, simon says, and one game which required me to bounce her up and down in the air. She LOVED that one).  Since on Saturday we met in the dark, I wasn't sure she'd recognize me at church. I was wrong! She came running and sat between me and Andrew (my friend that I shared her with for the week;) ).

Love this picture-Marce after church

After that night, we sought each other out each day. Some days she'd rather go play with the boys that could pick her up and roughhouse. Other days she'd come and we'd sit and just be silly together. Her laugh and smile make my heart want to burst. I miss her laugh the most. It just echoes throughout the room! 

Somethings that Marce taught me this week:

There is no excuse to not love someone. I was worried about connecting because of the language barrier. So God gave me this little angel, that while I couldn't effectively communicate with  all the time (I plan to learn how to sign before next year's trip!), I could easily connect with through playing, laughter, and smiles. God taught me that language does NOT have to be a barrier if you're willing to let God just work through you. It wasn't always easy, but God truly did work this week through Marce to teach me a lot. I miss that sweet face more than I thought possible! 

That laugh is music to my ears!

Missing that sweet smile right about now.

She also taught me about what love looks like. I can not see the words "I love you" the same anymore. They have so much more power now than before Ciudad. Saying I love these kids is an understatement! I love you doesn't adequately describe it.
Before I'd leave each day, I'd do the "I love you" sign to Marce. Somedays she'd just look at me and shake her head in her sassy way, as if to say, "I'm not in the mood!" by the time I'd leave, however, I'd always see that "I love you" sign from her. The last night we took a picture of us signing "I love you" to each other. I just can't describe.

"I love you"- three simple words, one massive impact.

One of my favorite moments of the whole trip was on Sunday, before leaving the orphanage I did the sign for a hug; at first she just shook her head at me, but after doing it a 2nd time, she literally ran at me, wrapped her arms around me and kissed my neck. It took everything in me to keep from crying! After two days there, seeing that kind of love just changed me.

It made my heart smile seeing the love all of these kids have. They all come with a lot of baggage- baggage that makes my own look minuscule in comparison- yet they have such endless joy and love to go around.


There's a little backstory before I tell you about this next sweet angel.
Before the trip, we have a meeting where we are introduced to each angel and given a prayer angel. Prayer angels are our specific angels we pray over for the months prior to the trip. We get 1-2 angels- cards with their picture and story on them(veteran team members have the option of choosing kids they had a connection with the year prior). Then the rookies are given theirs. I was given two sisters. These sisters were part of the newest group of orphans to move to the home in November. Conny (8) and Cristi(2) are their names.

Conny (left) and Cristina (right). Big sis Anahi in the middle!

Every night I would pray specifically for these two girls- for them to feel God's love, for them to know I loved them and the team loved them, and how much I couldn't wait to finally meet them. I also prayed for God to work in me and our team to love on these kids. What I didn't take into account was how God could work in these kids to reveal himself to me.  God taught me that night that sometimes what you're seeking ends up seeking you right in front of your face! 

Well, the first night there I was hanging out with Marce at S'mores fest. She had gone to get something to eat and left me sitting at the fire. All of a sudden, a little girl came running towards me. She then wrapped her arms around my neck, and asked me my name. She then told me, "me llamas Conny!" (my name's Conny). Upon hearing that, I looked up into the eyes of my prayer angel, Conny- the same face I saw in the picture above every night before going to bed, the same name I prayed over constantly for 5 months. I couldn't believe it. I hadn't found her or sought her out... she found me. She sought me out from the crowd. She didn't know anything about me, anything about the fact that I already knew her name or her story... she just came and grabbed me by the hand and the heart. 

Conny at the pool!

My prayer angels- Conny and Cristi. God works in beautiful ways.

After that, everyday somehow Conny found me. I didn't even have to look for her. Somehow she'd always show up! I spent a lot of time with her over the week, spending most of my time in the younger kids' groups and houses. 

It was one of those moments where I literally could see a prayer being answered- getting to meet these two girls I had said in prayer by name every night. Getting to love on these angels I had so anxiously anticipated meeting for months.

It's an indescribable feeling getting to see God answer a prayer in front of me. 

Conny's new crown from Bible class!

The bracelet my baby Conny gave me! It's still on my wrist.
The necklace hangs on my door so I see it everyday.

The last night, Conny held onto me for dear life! She found me from the get go and didn't leave my side. It broke my heart knowing it was time to leave, but I promised her "proximo año" (next year). Before house church and while we were saying goodbyes (thankfully I went to the house church she and Marce went to, so I didn't have to say goodbye quite yet!), Conny came up to me while talking to Mr. Gary. She presented me with two little pink necklaces, told me they were for me, and proceeded to try to put them on. She wrapped one around my wrist as a bracelet (where it is still right now), and put the other one on my neck (with Mr. Gary's help).  It was here where I just lost it. I could not believe this little girl-the one I didn't seek out, the one that found me everyday for no apparent reason-this little girl just continually sought me out and became Jesus to me in a way I'd never experienced it before. She showed me an indescribable love that only Jesus can bring.

Conny taught me something this week: God is constantly seeking us out, and if we'd just look, He's usually right in front of us. 

My favorite picture of us together

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:13

One of my friends/teammates mentioned this verse in one of our morning devos, and it just stuck to me like glue this week. 

Sometimes I think I struggle with seeing God in my everyday; it takes a church service or worship song or quiet time for me to see God really working. It's hard to seek God in the days that aren't great, y'know?

 This week, God taught me to constantly seek Him in the midst of everything; I promise you, He's there. He's always seeking us, chasing after our hearts and our dreams. 

Last night with my angel

I'd like to think that if I was willing to actually seek Him, He'd be right in front of me, waiting. Just like Conny was all week. Running after me, seeking me out for no reason- He's here, He's there, He is constantly everywhere with me wherever I go.

Love this picture-Me, Conny,Daniela, and Conny's big sis Anahi-I hope I can get to know her better next year!

So yes, God is indeed working at Ciudad. As Lydia so eloquently said, His fingerprints are everywhere there. 

 I realize that He's working here too. I don't have to go anywhere  or do anything special to figure that out (but I'm so glad I did); I just have to be willing to look up, and hold on. He's gonna always be seeking me out, and He'll most always be where I least expect Him-right in front of me. 

Carlos-love this boy. Taught me it's ok to be silly sometimes!

I probably could tell you a dozen more stories about how God is working, but I think what I've already said tells you enough about this God-filled place. This experience-this place- is forever etched in my brain and heart.  I could not have been more blessed by this opportunity. I will without a doubt be returning next year to continue the relationships with Marce, and Conny, and  strengthen relationships the other angels. The stories, teammates, and love from this trip will never leave my life. I cannot begin to explain how grateful I am to the people that made this trip possible, and to God for putting it on my heart to go love on these kids. It changed my life, and I can't wait to see how it furthers my life back here at home. 

Mari Chui-one of our older girls. Sweetest thing.

Dinner at the lil kids house!

Carlos the king-we better watch out!

Isa and Norma at our teaching session

                                                         

We talked about this not being a mountaintop experience, and for me it wasn't. It was an indescribable experience that I already miss terribly, that's for sure (I cannot wait to go back!). It wasn't as much a mountaintop experience as it was just a beautiful learning experience from God. I intend to take these faces, these angels, these stories and lessons and intertwine them into my life back here at Lipscomb. I don't want it to be a mountaintop, but it for sure won't be an experience I'll ever forget.

One last look at this place I've fallen hopelessly in love with.

 I don't think I can go back to life without Ciudad; and I know, with all my heart, that I really don't ever want to.

all will be well [a beautiful 2013 post]

I've had one whirlwind of a week. It may have been a 'short' school week, but it felt ten times longer. It got better as it progressed into the weekend, however.
        Oh the weekend. How it was a weekend I needed, indeed.

After this week, we did exactly what I needed: we got far, far away from school. Away from stress, away from worry, away from schoolwork- just away.

I was exactly where I needed to be this weekend, with the people I needed (and wanted) to be with the most: my mission trip family. :)
  We really have become a family. Even moreso this weekend than we already were. I'm thankful for  every one of them and how they've already touched my heart long before we go serve together in Cozumel over spring break.

We fellowshipped. Ate a lot of good food (and too much chocolate). We small grouped it up, spent time in prayer stations, worshiped together. We became insanely competitive in Name that Angel and Catchphrase.We acted silly and learned a lot about each other. It was definitely a night of little sleep, but of many many memories (besides: who remembers those nights where you got a full night's sleep for the rest of their lives?)

My favorite part consisted of two things colliding: our location, and our Saturday morning silent hour.

We were out in Smithville (or Sniffville as Zach thought I said) TN, at a lake house with this spectacular view. It took my breath away when I woke up and saw this outside the back door. Seriously. If you need a place to escape, this is a good place to go. :)

After breakfast, we had an hour of silence. We could do whatever we wanted in this hour, except for talk.

I absolutely love the practice of being silent, but in the loud busy days in school, I don't MAKE the time to do it as much as I should.
Oh how I needed to be still and quiet after the busyness of this week. It was perfect timing.

So I hopped on to the back porch and sat outside. I kinda sat in awe for awhile. Of the quiet, calmness of the lake, the bright blue sky and fluffy white clouds. I just soaked it in, thinking about how beautiful creation is. It seriously takes us being far away to sit and just revel at God's beauty (something I think I need to do more often when I'm back in reality!)

I then decided to start prayerfully reading Captivating for awhile. I haven't had a lot of time to read this week (such a travesty), so I started getting into it. I am so glad I did.

I'm only 40 pages into it, and I seriously think it's already changed my life.  After finishing the chapter I was on, I wrote in my journal: beautiful is becoming more real to me.
It's taken many many years for me to say that. Not only to say it, but sincerely believe it.

I had one of those "aha!" moments. It finally clicked for me. I still don't have it all figured out when it comes to beautiful and feeling beautiful, but I think I reached a milestone I hadn't realized I needed to hit this weekend.

I've always thought beauty was synonymous with the material- how we look, what we wear, our weight- those may be part of it (the physical part of it, I guess). But it is not what beauty is. Beauty is in us- our essence, as the book says. Beauty was with us from the beginning because of how we were made-and who made us. God gave us a beauty to unveil (as the book so eloquently describes it) to ourselves and to the world.

Isn't it crazy to think that the same guy that made this world of beautiful creation made me and you? Last week at church we were talking about how imaginative God was in creation. Isn't it crazy that God made this vast earth-each part of creation beautiful, unique, and mystical- and then decided to make us? I can't fathom it, really. But He did.

And not only did He make us- He made us in His image. If we're made in the image of God, how could we-how could I- not see that that is beautiful? The book says: "Every woman has a beauty to unveil. Every woman. Because she bears the image of God. She doesn't have to conjure it, go get it from a salon, have plastic surgery or breast implants. No, beauty is an essence that is given to every woman at her creation."

 This beautiful God made this beautiful earth- and He made me beautiful too. 
He gave me beauty right from the get go. It wasn't something to work for or try to "get". It is in me. Wow. That's something I never thought about.

One of my favorite parts of the chapter talks about how you feel when you're in a beautiful place- like I was this weekend- and how you can breathe, rest, listen in this place? 

      The book says "my heart tells me, 'all will be well'. This is what beauty says-all shall be well."

This life- this world- is beautiful. It reminds me that indeed, all will be well. It reminds me that God created the world, and He created me too- and He created me beautifully. And that even if it's hard to see, hard to understand, beauty is in me- and all will be well. 

 I may not always see it in the mirror everyday (that's still a work in progress), but I know there is beauty, just simply because of who God is.  Every woman was made to be beautiful. It isn't something we gain or something we lose- it is who we are. It's not about makeup or dress size or hair styles- it's about who we are and how we live and who we live for that shows truly the beauty God has given us.

Beauty is in me- and it says that all will be well. I'm trying to live in this truth.

Isn't crazy to think that two weeks ago I didn't think I'd be able to go on this retreat, and see this place, and learn these things I did this weekend (about the team and myself)??

 The saying rings true: we plan, God laughs. I'd like to amend it a little: We plan, God smiles. Because I think after what this weekend has done for me, I'd like to say God is smiling a little brighter. At least I am. :)