I was genuinely not looking forward to going back this semester. Not that I wasn't looking forward to going and seeing friends and getting new classes (after last semester, that part was quite exhilarating!).
Now that I'm back, though, I have to say I'm pretty happy. Most of my classes are enjoyable so far (WON'T be saying that next week when I have Physics and Math homework due...but oh well). I'm happy to be back with friends, and back at my home away from home. School's always been my thing, so I'm ready to get to it I guess.
I never wrote a post about New Years/ Resolution things, so I guess I should now. (I'll try not to get sappy or cliché, but hey, it's a New Years post-aren't they all?):
Overall, I wasn't the saddest to see 2012 go. It wasn't the worst year...but it definitely wasn't the best.
Some great, wonderful things happened. In school, in friendships, in my walk with God... I won't go into details here cause that's not what this post was about. But some very good, beautiful things happened in 2012, and I couldn't be more thankful.
Some sad things happened too.
Depression hit me hard this year, not gonna lie. It did. (Therapy helped...April if you're reading this, you were right-but when aren't you?!) ;)
There was a lot of loss this year. (Not just in death either, though that did happen).
Loss of happiness, loss of joy, loss of myself in the mess and chaos of stress and life. But the biggest loss?
My self-esteem probably took the biggest hit. I've struggled with it a lot my whole life, but this year for many reasons I just let it keep falling, until it's been practically nil.
I've never been one to try to dress up/look nice for classes, or the girl to worry about her appearance 24/7... until this year. Because I just haven't felt beautiful enough to not focus on it. Not that I don't enjoy looking nice and being pretty...I just didn't feel right if I wasn't. At all. I've struggled with my weight, my looks, my perception of "beautiful" and the like since I was a little girl, when I always thought that pretty was synonymous with "skinny, tall, and blonde."
When people say I look pretty/beautiful, I feel partly thankful and flattered. The other part of me thinks, "Who, me?! You've gotta be talking about someone else, because apparently what you see and what I see are two different things."
There are many, many days where I just can't see it. I may know it, but knowing and seeing are two different things, especially when it comes to girls and the mirror.
There are probably many other days when I just don't believe it. There are days when I say that I don't care if the Bible says there is no flaw in me-then how and WHY the heck do I see flaw upon flaw every time I see myself?!
If there was ever one person that could define how I feel best...it's author Jennifer Weiner in this article: http://www.allure.com/allure-magazine/2012/10/fat-the-f-word?currentPage=1
^READ IT. Seriously.
I've always been good at certain things, like Jennifer says. But my looks and weight always was/is looked at first...not the scholarly student that has a solid college GPA, not the girl who loves books and collects and reads them over and over, not the girl who's loved to sing in the choir her entire life, the girl who wants to write books upon books someday, or the girl that's a master speller with a vocabulary envious to many... nope. The first thing I think about isn't my accomplishments and honors. It's what I see in the mirror. And it's not a good feeling.
It's my work in progress for the year.
It's not my resolution. Because I've noticed throughout the years, that resolutions simply don't work. Saying I'm going to do this list of things different in the new year doesn't always work. Life happens, things change way too much for us to make a list of resolutions of actions we need to take, things we need to do and change.
But being something works. Believing something works.
So this year, I'm not just going to do something different-I'm going to be something different, and believe something different. And see if and how that makes a difference in how I see myself, in how I see the beauty and joy that's been missing.
I was reading on twitter and came across a blog about a book called My One Word, and I really like it and the idea behind it.(haven't gotten the book yet, but will be in the near future!)
It's about instead of focusing on this list of resolutions to keep ahold of, changing your year-and your life- with one word. Focus on one word to work on this year, instead of aiming for a list of could-be's and should happen's. Resolutions won't necessarily get me anywhere (they may for you, and if they do-more power to ya! haha), but centering my new year on one word and one belief can change a little, or change a lot.
Well, I'm gonna focus on my one word this year. I think the word might be a bit obvious.
Beautiful is the word I'm going to focus on this year. Not just looking beautiful or acting beautiful necessarily...but believing in what beautiful is. Believing the beauty in myself, in other people, and in the world around me. Beautiful is not just something we wear, how we look, or something we have...it's something we are. I've lost sight in that. We are beautiful because of what God has created us to be, not because of what I see when I look in the mirror.
I have this quote by Oscar Wilde taped to my door, and I'm going to try believing it this year:
Learning to love myself is going to be the first step. Loving myself for who I am and who God made me to be will really show me truly what being beautiful means.
I'm currently reading Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge, and think it's really going to help. Books have a way of helping me through a lot of things, so I think it'll help me with this. (Thank you April, for being right...again!:)
Beautiful is my word. And I'm gonna own it this year.
If you haven't started on a "resolution" this year, why don't you give this one word idea a shot with me? It'd be good to have others along for the ride too! If you'd like to hear more about this My One Word idea, you should definitely check out the authors' blog for more info: http://myoneword.org/
I'm not gonna resolve to lose the weight I need to, or to be nicer to people, or to work on my faith with God. I'm gonna focus on what beautiful is to me, and what God has in store with me using this concept of beautiful this year.
I feel that God is going to do great, great, things, with one simple word.