Friday, December 7, 2012

the wanderer


AHHHHHHHHHHH.

^That sums up my feelings right now, in a nutshell. 

I've feel like I'm caught between a crossroads.

Part of me can't believe it's December and in the matter of a week I'm home for the semester. 

The other, slightly more sane part of me is ready to bolt out the door and skip all the way home. RIGHT NOW.

Part of me thinks it has everything figured out.

The other part still has too many questions left to ponder. 

This semester has been full of ups and downs. If I had to be honest with myself, it is a lot of my own fault.

I've let myself slack on my faith.

I've let myself get in over my head one too many times.

I've let myself over think and worry about one too many things.

I let too many negative thoughts and feelings ruin my semester. I focused way too heavily on the struggles and not on the successes.

The successes such as new friendships, rekindled old friendships, lots of fun adventures, lots of laughter, and many memories made. Those things are what made this semester great. It wasn't the greatest semester, no, but there were great parts of it. Absolutely. 

Me dawdling on the bad hasn't helped me one bit at all enjoy what God has blessed me with this semester. 

We all have wandered off, like shepherdless sheep, scattered by our aimless striving and endless pursuits; the Eternal One laid on him, this silent sufferer, the sins of us all. Isaiah 53:6
^that was in my inbox this morning. Describes pretty much how I'm feeling right now.

No, I don't think I've strayed away from my faith. I still have my faith and my beliefs, and cling to them. I do think I've wandered though. Not saying I've forgotten God or anything like that...but I do think I've let way too many things overrule my life lately. I put focus on my faith on the backburner. As the scripture says, I've let other (seemingly endless) pursuits take over. Not that those pursuits may not be important. Most of them probably are. But they aren't worth losing focus on the big picture-the picture being that God will take care of those pursuits, if I'd just stop worrying about them and fix my eyes on Him. 

I was reading from a devotional about Advent (oh how I love Advent-the preparations for Christmas and Jesus' birth! What a beautiful season). I loved the prayer it came with: 

God of Advent, kindle within me the flame of hope. As I walk through this day, may that hope remind me of your promise that something good is coming. Amen.   

Deepen my longing for you, O God.
**(from The Uncluttered Heart by Beth A. Richardson)

Something good is coming, folks. In speaking of Advent, the answer of course is the birth of Jesus. 
But if talking about life in general...there's a promise that good IS coming. We may not know personally what that good is yet. But good is coming. Even if it's just the hope that finals will soon be over and I can spend a month snuggling with my doggies. (I really don't want much, do I?!) ;) 

My hope for this season is that I remember Whose I am, because I think there have been times where I've simply forgotten lately. Life has a way of doing that I think. 
But now, as Christmas and holidays approach, it is time to stop wandering and find my longing for God again. I know it's here...it's just piled under a lot of stress (and lots and lots of finals). :) 

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