Monday, December 15, 2014

A Time to Rest...

Well, it's done. The semester from hell is officially over. Grades have been posted (not too bad, considering my 18 hour class load plus my mental state this semester); graduation has come and gone (saying 'see ya later' to some fabulous people sucks royally); now I'm chilling under my covers listening to Christmas music.

This semester felt like it was never going to end, and now... it's over. This time last week I was wide awake, frantically writing/revising an 8 page research paper on Wuthering Heights (I don't want to talk about it). How was that a week ago?!?
Over the course of 48 hours, I went from frantic, stressed, and exhausted, to... well, nothing. By 6pm Tuesday night, every thing I'd worked towards over the semester was finally finished. I didn't know what to think, or what to do.  I don't think my brain knew what to do, being stressed had become a way of life.

I've been home since Thursday; I spent an extra day after finishing finals running errands and relaxing, visiting with friends and not rushing around for the 1st time since August--it was nice to be able to do stuff at my own pace! Home has been great; other than venturing out for graduation and some errands, I've done nothing but sleep, read, and play online.

Originally, my plan for break was to come home and go straight to work at the daycare I worked at over the summer. I was partially excited: I missed the kiddos (hadn't had a chance to visit since I left in August), I was excited about having some extra Christmas money, and I was going to get to be out of the house for at least part of the day (I get reallllly stir crazy, PLUS me and my mother under the same roof for too long causes me to lose my sanity).
Come to find out, they didn't need me-- the process for me to get re-fingerprinted just for December was going to take too long, plus they don't have as many kids during the Christmas season, so they don't need as many employees.

 I was bummed for a minute, then I felt relief. Immense. relief.

 Because in reality? While I say I was excited about working, my brain and heart were both screaming: ARE YOU CRAZY? WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF? (my inner dialogue speaks loudly, in all caps. As I do in real life).

Jumping from an 18 hour semester to a 40 hour work week: not my best idea.

I was so exhausted thinking about it. And while there were plenty of good reasons to go back for a few weeks, I began to realize the cons outweighed the pros:
working 9-6 all day, 5 days a week, on what should be my time off.
working with small children, which almost always leads to me getting sick (I got sick the 1st week and last week of the summer working there. Seriously).
no time to do things I want to do, like visit with friends, bake and shop with my mom, read for fun, etc.
no time to do things I NEED to do, like Cozumel fundraising stuff and online paperwork, etc.

I need a genuine break from work, both school and otherwise. Even my mom said as much when I told her about the job; her actual words were something like, "why don't you use this break to rest? To actually take a break?"

What a concept.

I've been in a constant season of going, going, going, constant movement and busyness, that I truly haven't given myself a break-- even when I took breaks from school stuff to have fun, or when I came home for Thanksgiving break, my brain truly wasn't on break-I was always thinking ahead of what assignment was due next or what meeting or event was next on my schedule. This is the first time in a long time I genuinely have nothing on my plate-- no school work, no work, no meetings or events or anything of genuine importance. This could be the last time I have such a free, worry-less schedule for a long time.

So, this break will be a break of rest; a 3 week span of time where I have absolutely nothing planned, other than time with friends and family. And baking-- lots of baking. :)
I am using this break to focus on me; to recharge myself so I don't burn out again. Because the burnt out this semester was brutal, and I never want to let myself get to that point again.

There is a time to be productive and work your tail off: it's called fall semester 2014. Winter break 2014 is a time to rest, and to let my brain catch up on some much-needed recharging.

I have never been so relieved and to have plans fall through.

"My Portion and My Strength"-Ellie Holcomb
her album is my anthem for 2014. Seriously.

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